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Sarah Halstead

You are here: Home | Family | Are You Thinking About Having Kids?

January 12, 2011 By Sarah Halstead

Are You Thinking About Having Kids?

Filed Under: Family

Linds at A Dollop of My Life shared this on her blog. I had to post it. Hilarious! So very true.

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!?

It really is worth it. Who wouldn’t want to have cute babies like my perfect angels?

{Yes he is sweeping up the mess he made, shirtless, you are lucky he had pants on. }

{He loves swinging! His evaluation is tomorrow at 2. I am a nervous wreck!}


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Comments

  1. Jessi says

    January 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I {Love} these! Number 2, I laughed so hard, is all I remember people doing on the bump on the pregnancy boards. I'll never let my child... Why would that mom... is she crazy...I got so tired of hearing those. You have no idea til you have a child what it's like.
  2. Keli says

    January 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    haha lucky he has pants on!! Funny! love this post!
  3. Ashley Sisk says

    January 13, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I should send this to Jeremy - he might run!
  4. Angee says

    January 13, 2011 at 6:57 am

    So funny and so true. Good luck with your evaluation today. Are you working with early intervention? I worked for our local program for almost five years (just quit to be a SAHM). You'll be amazed at how fast you'll see progress. So kiddos just need a little push. Good luck!
  5. Buckeroomama says

    January 13, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Oh, this is hilarious! I have to share this with my friends... =)
  6. Alisha says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    haha, every bit of it is true! LOL! Love the photos as well, such cut kids! Hope your evaluation goes well tmrw. :)
  7. Darcy says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    oh my gosh i was laughing so hard reading this. of course i dont quite know yet, with just a 3 month old but i have no doubts its soon! eekkk!
  8. Linds says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    What is it about boys wanting to run around in their underwear (or naked for that matter?!). Brayden always wants to be naked... even during this great cold front we're having. BOYS :)
  9. Kathleen says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Sooo funny!! Love the Fran Drescher part!! Ha ha ha!
  10. Andie says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Ha Ha!!! I laughed so hard I about peed my pants! They were all incredibly funny, but Lesson 7 is what did it for me. So true!! Thanks so much for this! Good luck to you guys. Let us know how everything goes. Andie
  11. Summer Crosbie says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    So funny and true! Good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking about you and your little cutie.
  12. SarahinSC says

    January 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Ha! I saw this a few weeks ago somewhere and it made me laugh then and it made me laugh now! Good luck tomorrow! Please let us know how it goes!

Welcome

I'm Sarah and I am the writer behind this blog. I love sharing recipes, DIY projects, photos and about my everyday life. I married my high school sweetheart Kenny. We have three boys and one baby girl - Dustyn, Carsyn, Prestyn, and Annelyn. Thanks for stopping by, can't wait to get to know you more. Read More…

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