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Sarah Halstead

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I am burnt out…

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If you do not want to hear me complain, you might want to skip this post. I am so burnt out right now and it has caused a stress headache. I have been trying my best to stay positive about everything, but I just can’t right now.

I know I should be thankful Carsyn is here. He is seriously the sweetest and most happy baby ever. I have just been dealing with the newborn stage for almost 11 months. He still wakes up at least 2 times a night. I have to constantly be holding him or on the floor with him. I LOVE spending time with him don’t get me wrong. I just wish I could put him down for 5 minutes to go to the bathroom or get something to eat or maybe even {gasp} clean the house up a little. I literally can not do any of that unless a. he is sleeping or b. I let him scream bloody murder. The occupational therapist said that it is okay to let him lay on the floor and cry a little, but it grates my nerves. Seriously. I feel so bad that he isn’t able to get his body to do what he wants it to do. I know he is frustrated and in turn that makes me frustrated for him.

He can’t roll around to play with toys, he can’t sit up, he can’t even sit in an exersaucer that well. The only time my arms get a break is when he is in the swing outside, sleeping or if I lay down beside him on the floor. Carsyn will now be getting physical therapy every Tuesday and occupational therapy every Wednesday. The occupation therapist said she thinks Carsyn should also get evaluated for speech/eating therapy. That might be another day involving therapy. I love the program, but it is exhausting scheduling stuff around it and making sure the house is presentable.

I know you all probably think I am a whiny baby { I even think so} and to just deal with it. That Carsyn is worth it. I so hear you. I tell myself that every 5 minutes. I just really needed to vent. I have a lot of friends that are hurting right now from losing their sweet babies. That makes me very THANKFUL that I have Carsyn here with me. I will do whatever it takes to make him happy and to be a good advocate for him. This momma just needs a break. A break to not think about Carsyn or Dustyn or Kenny. Seriously one of them is ALWAYS on my mind.

On top of all this I have been dealing with some other issues I am not going to go into on here. If you can please pray for me and pray that I can get over myself and stop being so darn selfish. Thank you all.

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Comments

  1. CJ says

    Im a bit late commenting on this (sorry!) but just wanted to say I dont think your selfish at all....maybe frustrated, but thats understandable. Your a great mom to both your boys, I will be praying still for all of you guys, and hope you get some answers soon. Hang in there!

  2. Allie says

    My heart is hurting for you right now because I totally understand that burnt out, overwhelmed feeling. I would never wish it on anyone. Please, please know that you can vent to me anytime you want. Seriously, email ANYTIME! Feeding, OT, Speech, the fact that it feels like you are in perpetual babyhood....the whole thing. It's the life I know. God had a reason to entrust us both with our special little guys! I try and remind myself of this everyday. It blows my mind that he chose me to be Cameron's mom. It's a major confidence booster knowing that!

  3. Kim says

    Oh Honey, I understand. It will get better. I know it is hard right now. It sounds like you are enjoying the moment, but those moments build up and at the end of the day result in one worn out mom. Are you able to use a device like the Moby Wrap on Carsyn? It would free up your hands, give him the comfort of being with you, while allowing him to move his hands and feet without interfering too much with you.

  4. Branson says

    You are not selfish, and I am someone who would rather read the real story instead of a glossy happy cover story. Life is messy and hard, and you have been given a lot to handle right now. Can you do it? Absolutely! You are an amazing mother, and the fact that you care so much is proof positive that you are not selfish. It is ok to be frustrated, it is ok to ask for prayers and whatever help can be given from those of us far away. You don't have to go through it alone! :) I always feel kind of self-centered leaving links to my own posts on other people's blogs, but this one might be something for you to read: http://blmerrill.blogspot.com/2011/03/prayers-from-heart.html Hang in there, Mama! :) ((hugs))

  5. Adeena says

    It is not whiny to need a break. Been there, done that. ;) One suggestion - have you tried a jolly jumper for Carsyn? I have one that hooks onto the door jam, and seriously my babies *loved* it. They can be right where the action (mommy) is, and get to bounce around, spin, look at interesting stuff. Saved my sanity.

  8. Tiffany Rhodes says

    If you don't vent, it will stay bottled up inside and you will go crazy! It is okay to feel like that, it is normal to feel this way! It is very tough having a child who has special needs. I was a nanny for my friends' son who had brittle bones. He wasn't my child and I felt the way you do. If you ever need someone to vent to, just let me know and we can go out for coffee (or skinny dip). Don't worry about the house being super clean. They see homes in terrible conditions (rats, bugs, etc.). Take all the therapies you can! They will do tremendous things! And (since I'm very biased) I'm super excited about the speech eval for feeding therapy. I can't wait to do training for feeding and swallowing once I have my CCC at the end of my fellowship this year. :]

  9. rachel-wildflower photography says

    Oh sweet Sarah...you are in my thoughts and most importantly my prayers. Every mommy needs some venting time...sometimes multiple times a day... LOL...and that's okay! :) Being a mommy isn't an easy task, especially if our little one needs extra care and attention. God won't give you more than you can handle...and He will give you the strength you need. I just recently learned this myself. I realized that I just have to let Him have it...but I know that's easier said than done. Hugs to you friend!

  10. Jean @ Typical Suburban Family says

    Girl! You are anything but selfish. You are entitled to vent and to have these feelings. We all do. I've been going through the same thing the last 4-6 weeks or so. Different circumstances, but the same results. Stress headaches, exhaustion, crabby, venting, irritated. There is no doubt that Carsyn is worth every minute of it, but you need some YOU time. You need a break too with all that you deal with on a daily basis!

  11. Kayla says

    Sarah, you are anything but selfish. Cut yourself some slack. You're dealing with a lot and handling it very well...that needy baby stage and constant crying is HARD and you've had to deal with it longer than most. Not to mention sleep deprivation. No wonder you're exhausted! Venting is good every now and then...clears the head :) *hugs and prayers*

  12. kellyk says

    please don't feel bad! I believe our blogs are a great way to vent! LET IT OUT! If people are sick of reading about it, then oh well. I have a six month old, 2 year old and (almost) 4 year old. I am totally burnt out too! It's hard not to be. Hang in there mama!

  13. Tara says

    Hugs to you....everyone needs a good vent. You have a lot on your plate and life is stressful at times. Hang in there and things will get better!

  14. WeeMason's Mom says

    Totally not being whiny!!! Everyone needs to vent and everyone needs time to themselves. No one is more or less deserving of it, even if others have it worse - that doesn't mean you deserve it less!! It's an easy trap to fall in to - "I shouldn't complain because X is going through this and Y is going through that" Well, that's simply not true. How you feel and what you need IS important!! Sending lots and lots of good thoughts!!!

  16. Angee says

    I agree with everyone else, you're not being whiny. If you didn't vent and feel overwhelmed I'd think there was something wrong with you. Don't let EI take over your life. They want the best for Carsyn but that doesn't mean you have to kill yourself having therapy three times a week. Do what feels best for you and your family. Maybe just meet with a ST and get some ideas of things to work on until you're ready to add another day of therapy. I know the helpless baby stage is hard. They want to do things but can't and they get bored so fast. Have you tried sitting Carsyn in a Bumbo? They also have a tray you can attach so he has toys to play with. Does he watch videos? If speech is a concern let him watch some signing times videos. Not that tv is ever the answer but if it gives you 10 minutes of alone time than take it. Sorry for the long comment. You're doing a great job. Hang in there and feel free to vent anytime.

  19. Robin says

    It's good for you to vent. I'm glad you feel you can do it here. It's important. It does not make you selfish to want sleep, to want rest, to want normalcy. I'm sure your strength is being pushed to the limits. You're human. I think about David in the bible, a man who did great things (he also had some bad choices). He was still called "a man after God's own heart." But he was often expressing his exhaustion with life. He was depressed. I looked up depression in the bible, and it gave a few passages, but for David it was ALOT: David (Psalms 6, 13, 18, 23, 25, 27, 31, 32, 34, 37-40, 42-43, 46, 51, 55, 62-63, 69, 71, 73, 77, 84, 86, 90-91, 94-95, 103-104, 107, 110, 116, 118, 121, 123-124, 130, 138, 139, 141-143, 146-147) . Anyway, the book of Psalms was his "blog" of sorts. Yet it did not mean he was weak or selfish because of these thoughts. He was real. I pray for your strength and endurance, but also that you could have some sort of break, rest.

  21. Veronnica W. says

    I'm definitely praying for you! You are not being selfish. Everyone has their breaking point and it's okay to let it out sometimes. I'm so sorry things are the way they are for Carsyn but know that the Lord has a plan and it's His perfect plan for your sweet little boys life. You are doing a great job and I'm proud of you! {{HUGS}} my friend!

  22. Janell H. says

    Hugs and prayers. you are going through a lot and I think it's only human to want to vent your frustrations. I totally feel ya. Hope you get some rest and "me" time soon.

  23. Ambria D says

    Oh my goodness! NO NOT AT ALL do I think you are a whiny baby!!!! Everyone mom goes through tough times but you are going through some REALLY tough times! It is a serious thing and my heart does break for you! Don't feel obligated to down play your feelings! I always think about you and Carson and hope things are okay. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things continue to get better with Carson! I love hearing about him doing better. Sorry you feel so down lately : ( Hope you start to feel better soon : )

  24. Misty says

    I don't think you are whiny or selfish AT ALL! It's perfectly natural to feel that way as a mom. As much as I love my little girl she drives me crazy sometimes and I just need a break from her but it doesn't at all change my love for her. You are such a wonderful mom and Carsyn is so blessed to have you as his mom as he goes through this rough process. I have prayed for you and your family many times and will continue to do so that God gives you the grace sufficient to get through this. My heart aches for you that you have to watch your little one have such a rough time. Hugs to you from a fellow mom.

  25. Susan says

    Aww..hugs to you. You're a good Mommy, it's obvious how much you love your boys. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are going through a difficult time, it will get better!

  27. Candice says

    You are NOT a whiny baby. This would exhaust anyone! The newborn phase is exhausting - I wanted to cry all the time. I can't imagine doing it for 11 months. I'd have cracked already. I hope you get a break soon. You need to take some time for yourself.

  28. Ashley Sisk says

    I completely hear you - you need to get a sitter or call your inlaws to come over and keep the boys so you can get some mom time. For real....you need it my friend! If I were there, I'd keep them for you.

  29. amy@agoodlife says

    don't be so hard on yourself! you are dealing with a lot. and although it may be "minor" relative to what other people are dealing with, it is YOUR reality & therefore it is real & the hardest thing you currently know. you can't talk yourself out of these emotions. and if you can't vent on your own blog, then where can you? i would see about talking to kenny to get a night away some weekend. by. yourself.

  30. Melissa says

    First of all, I know these kind of posts are always hard because, as you said, there's always someone dealing with something worse and you don't want to sound like you aren't thankful for what you have. BUT, that doesn't mean you don't have every right to feel stressed and burnt out. I know how incredibly exhausting it can be to have your baby need you all day long, and you are allowed to complain about it! I hope you get a much needed break or relaxing weekend in the near future!

  34. Beth says

    I am sorry you are hurting. Have you tried putting him in a sling and wearing him. Still hard, but at least you will have your hands free to clean and eat and he will enjoy the closeness. I'm thinking of you.

  35. Joni says

    you are at the top of my prayer list tonight sweetie. i am certainly not in your shoes and couldn't imagine having to go through what you are going through. however, you have a right to feel the way you feel. Parenting can sometimes be exhausting. having six children we almost never have a babysitter to have time to ourselves (maybe once every 3 or 4 months)and there are days that i just don't want to be around my children. i would love to have about one week away from them every six months. that definitely doesn't mean that i don't love them, it just means that i need a break, some time away to rejuvenate. and even when i get that break every few months i miss them like crazy when i am away but am so grateful for that time. and i know that some people will say that i should have kept my legs closed if i didn't want the responsibility of a big family, but my guess is that the only people who say that are those who like to feel superior to the rest of us "normal" people. ;) it is normal to feel overwhelmed at times. i hope you are able to find balance between it all. just know you have a friend here if you ever need to talk.

  36. Keli says

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And I do not think you are complaining at all. It's good to get your feelings out every now and than. I can only imagine how stressful it is on you. Emmy is getting evaluated on her speech delay and I am trying to stay positive on that. I'm thinking of ya'll.

  37. Summer says

    I will be praying for you and Carsyn all of you!! This too shall pass...I know my sisters baby was the same she would cry and her son would scream... It sucked. But I don't remember how long it took but he finally got over it. I hope Carsyn can do the same. I will pray about it. Vent anytime!! (((hugs)))

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