Not long ago I decided to seek help from a counselor. I was not to the point where I wanted to hurt myself or others. I just was in a rut. I didn’t want to clean around the house. I didn’t really want to spend time with Kenny or the boys. I just wanted to be by myself. I focused completely on my photography business because that was the one thing I could do and get praise for. Photography was time just for me, and I was able to get a break from everything else. I felt like a failure to Kenny, Dustyn, and Carsyn. I felt hopeless. That nothing was going to get better in my life. That I might as well just give up on everything. Carsyn was not improving much in therapy. I felt like what is the point of spending so much time in therapy if it wasn’t helping? I felt so much better after talking with my counselor. She reassured me that this was a very normal reaction with everything going on in my life. She also told me how wonderful it was that I realized that I needed help and followed through with it. This is when the stage of acceptance and hope began.
I have officially been through all the stages of grief/loss. No, I did not lose Carsyn. I am so grateful that he is still here with me. Several times I thought to myself why should I depressed? Many parents lose their kids everyday. I don’t have a right to be grieving. My counselor told me that I do have a right. I can and do grieve the loss of the life I thought we were going to have as a family. I pictured the boys growing up close together, and being best friends. Laying down on the floor wrestling and chasing each other. Growing up talking about their girlfriends and what they wanted to do for the weekend. Now that I am on my way to recover I realize I did go through all the stages even if I didn’t realize them at the time.
When we first learned of Carsyn’s diagnosis we stopped going to church and really talking to any friends. I mean I would “talk” to them but I wouldn’t really let them in. I just wanted to be by myself most of the time. I was also in denial. I couldn’t believe this was happening and I still believed that the doctors were wrong.
I was angry at God, I was angry at myself, I was angry at everyone around me leading normal lives. This is the point where I was lashing out at Kenny and Dustyn and realized I needed help. I sought help from a doctor and got medication soon after his diagnosis 3 years ago but she didn’t really follow along to see how I was doing and I ended up not taking it.
I would try to bargain with God and say if you heal him, I will become a better Follower. This stage didn’t last too long because I kind of realized it wasn’t the right thing to do.
I wasn’t cleaning, the house I wasn’t doing anything. I just wanted to lay around and sleep. I dealt with this a long time before I sought help from a counselor. A couple of my close friends really encouraged me to do this. I am so glad I did. I was able to talk about everything in my life and she reassured me that I was completely normal.
Acceptance and Hope:
After seeing my counselor a few times she recommended that I talk with a local NP about different medicines I could try. I have finally found a medicine that is working and she is following me very closely to make sure it is still helping. I am so grateful because it has finally helped me to accept my life just the way it is. I now know that I am the only one that can make my life good.
Now that I having finally accepted my life the way it is I am hopeful! Praying Carsyn will get his wheelchair soon and will become more independent. He will be able to chase Dustyn around. I am sure he would get a kick out of running into Dustyn. I have been applying for the Medicaid Waiver program, and other programs out there for Special Needs Kids. I am looking into alternative therapies like Hippotherapy, Water Therapy, etc. I am getting involved more with other parents of special needs kids. I finally feel like I want to do everything in my power to make Carsyn’s life the best possible.